Stuck in Transit - 2

The following is purely fictional. Was trying my hand at satire.

"Desperately trying to peek into the future, I realise... But I'm still stuck in transit!"

I always presume, that I'm done with stupid unintended symapthy-seeking blog posts where I crib about my daily life which grinds the emotions outta me. But trust me, I am not. I cannot stop. Maybe because I think this blog decreases the burden on me. Because it helps me out with a lot of things. For starters, it makes my mind clear. 

Its been 6 months since I've landed in America. The same amount of time I've been seeking a permanent accomodation. The same amount of time, I've been searching for a source of income. Almost the same amount of time, I've been waiting to stick my heart out on the walls of  'my room'. Which right now, looks like a distant dream. Speaking of dreams, a night hasn't passed without me waking up atleast once. Not for peeing. Sleeping bags are overcrowded with bugs of the size of Sri Lanka. The worst part about Hurricanes is that apart from all the damage they create, they never kill a darned bug!

No memories from back home. Except for the occasional snapshot of Captain Lee flashing before my eyes, whenever I need to get myself away from everyone. The lazy drizzle outside, with spine chilling winds, beckons me more than the rooms scattered with food that was thrown on the carpet before the 1st world war even began. The same food that was declared a leftover, which adorned the dust bin 5 weeks ago. The smell of burning tobacco is more soothing than the stink from the very room I sleep in. Well, look at the bright side - I atleast have a place to sleep at. Or wait, what am I complaining about? When I went to Mississippi, I slept on a bed! For two consecutive nights! OMG. Now that, is what I call awesome!

Show me the job! Because the last time I checked, being a money grubbing parasite was not a pitstop on the road to redemption. But its not like I am Donald Trump! Or wait, because I am not Ronald McDonald.

Hey, I am not alone in this. I've got a bunch of people here who are neck deep in this shit themselves. The only difference between them and me is, no no no, not the job, NOT THE JOB! I have a blog to crib, they don't. 

Its not like I want to go to NYC. Its because I trust I'd be a tad bit happier being with someone who knows exactly what I was and can estimate what I can turn out to be. Or maybe VA. But thats just where I loose it. Too damn confused. Will I go? Won't I go? Will I stay or not? I've got an asshole back in Florida. But he's too busy playing with the goddamn Zippo I gifted him on his birthday. So, that is totally out of question.

'Life is weary', that phrase is so darn an understatement. 

I don't expect anyone to understand this post. Nor do I want anyone to read it. Maybe this was supposed to go in my diary. But my goddamn diary is misplaced you son of a bitch! Where the fuck should I search for it? Which god forsaken room? Don't come to me with. "Everything will be alright". Because if there is anyone in this world who knows it'll be alright, its me! And also don't send me messages on facebook acting like its my fault! Because its not! The conscience is a big looser. Only loosers talk about Karma! 

Karma is not 'someone dumps you = you repent', its 'someone dumps you = they repent'. Screw it! Once this shit is over, I am gonna post more merrier stuff. More Santa Claus threw an 8GB iPod in my Christmas sock. More Marilyn Monroe kissed me under the mistletoe. More the flying deer wagon was issued a speeding ticket by the most honest Texas State Trooper. More Santa throwing shoes at George Bush upon a client's wish after what happened at the White House some days back. Or maybe some fantasy shit like Mumbai Police catching the terrorists behind the Mumbai Massacre. And the Indian judiciary actually punishing them. Oh wait, even if I have to post, don't I need a keyboard, a monitor, a working CPU and some electric supply for that? Of course, a shuffle between 5 rooms at 5 different times should give me enough to brood over political satires or racism and post it on my blog. Piece of cake.

At this point of time, if there is anything more soothing than ni'coke'tine then its the little thumbnail of Wolverine saying 'Cerveza' to a bartender in Mexico that is my current display picture on one of the social networking websites. 

JUDGE MEASSHOLES!

AMEN.

Funny forward

I never post random stuff on my blog but this shit was really really funny. It had to had to go on my blog! So here it is.


How to tick people off

• 
• Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
• If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
• Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
• Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
• Practice making fax and modem noises.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
• Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
• Staple pages in the middle of the page.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
• TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• type only in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
  "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
  "What?"
  "Never mind, it's gone now."
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Sing along at the opera.
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."